Beyond 27

Hey there,

You. The one who was tucked away in this forgotten corner of the internet, typing while holding your breath, trying to outpace the chaos in your chest. I read your words. All of them.

This might feel unreal to you, but it’s true: I’m you. We’re still here. This is the 33-year-old version of you.

Tadaa, you might think: we’ve failed to end it all again.

But actually, it’s the opposite. I chose to live.

I remember everyday after we woke up, it was like flipping a silent coin. One side told us to find the strength to live. The other, to let life slowly suffocate us.

I’m here to tell you — we did it.
We managed to improve our design thinking. We discovered a better operating system. But it didn’t happen overnight.

I thought of this when I was in the kitchen preparing dinner for me, and my husband.

Yes. Married. Last year.

In a span of 1 year

The love of our life is a Virgo. He is what we dreamt of, an organized man, he labels everything. He too has systems and he loves solving problems. He cares about us so much, he took time to upgrade the system to make our life easier.

Usually at night if I have time I’d cook dinner while being monitored by our kitten. We finally adopted a cat. His name is Roro, he is 8 months now and got neutered 2 weeks ago. He’s what I call Mackerel Cat because of his pattern.

Every week I’d prep wet food for Roro, he loves his breakfast (pumpkin, chicken liver and chicken breast)

The last time I heard from you was how much you hated agency life. Well, we actually left the agency and moved to FMCG, but it lasted 4 years and now we are back to agency life. Haha.

We still draw, we put on hold with comic stuff, it was challenging to come up with copy and visual story, but there’s something that I must tell you. We actually have a booth at Comic Fiesta! We shared a booth with Mimi and Daus.

Interesting story that happened. I must tell a bit more about this because I know how much it matters to you.

Daus’ friend couldn't commit, so he passed the booth to him. He called Mimi and I was shamelessly joined in too. Mimi and Daus artwork were sold out. No one bought our prints. It was sad, if you were there I’d hold your hand so tight due to humiliation the fact that I display my artwork (which means I display the vulnerable part of me). I have no one to comfort but myself. After the event I slept knowing that I haven’t achieved anything yet. But I was being quiet about it, I did not be defensive. That was something new.

Maybe because that year’s highlight was not about comic fiesta, it was the fact Grandma died.

I remember you had the fear running wild in your head, the fear of what if she died and you still have nothing to show to her. It came true, it was unbearable. Until today I still played You Weren’t Meant To See That by The Rare Occasions and think of her. I love her, but I can’t be the only one for her. 

The same year I met my husband. Our first date was at Nasi Lemak Bumbung. We don’t have to over explain how we are into creative stuff. We talk about daily things, life, work. We keep it a simple, light conversation. When he dropped me at my place, he shyly gave me a Cadbury bar. A simple gesture, not trying too hard on a first date. He nailed it.

On the second date, he made me face one of my fears; height. He did it so effortlessly.

Lastly, we rekindled back our friendship with Mazzie.

All these happened in 2022. The year where everything was not part of my plan at all. I didn’t even try to control it, I simply let every flow naturally.

Paying attention to my body and mind.

We hiked Broga Hill once while smoking half a pack just to reach the peak. After that we told ourselves, this is impossible. I can never be like the outdoor people, climbing helplessly.

Fast forward, we run, we work out, we try intermittent fasting, we even hike during ramadhan. Best part, after we got married, we hike to Raung mountain in Surabaya and it was our honeymoon.

We practically skipped all the mountains in semenanjung and went straight to Surabaya and to compare with Malaysia (semenanjung), Raung was the highest. We walked, climbed, and slept there. We survived. We poop while staring at the night sky. Some people think it was a foolish thing to do, they had no idea how foolish we were.

We faced rejections alot during unemployment. We tried working at F&B to expose ourselves with fear. Eventually landed on an award winning agency. We still draw, after 2022 CF, we tried again in 2023, we learned from our mistake and we tried printed new artwork and it was sold out. There’s more than just selling artwork. I decided to explore deeper and use my time to sharpen my skills. Chasing fame is exhausting and unfulfilling. I want us to be loved.

And this year, all I want to do is breathe. I’ve been treating our body, our mind like an enemy. I scolded them, I beat them up, I told them they’d never make it. But this year, I sat down and had a talk, and we decided to start over again, no more fake positivity but more on questioning, working together at our own pace finding the root of the problem.

There’s still a lot I’m figuring out. I have alot things to share actually but I know you might have trouble digesting too many info and you’d probably ran out of cigarettes now.
So yeah, just to let you know the world is not gonna explode soon.

And if it does, at least we lived a little.