My head's under water for 96 months

Take a deep breath, keep your chin tucked, and submerge. Point your forehead slightly downward to create a natural air pocket that keeps water from entering your nose, or gently exhale small bubbles.

Now...

8 years ago I did something stupid that cost 8 years of me persevering over things I have no choice too.
It cost me mental and physical health. It made watch other people rise while I sit here and...watch.

Why I did that in the first place? What triggered me?

It was me being too ambitious and unable to foresee the future, I mean back then I had The Lotus Eater Syndrome (I made that up). I just can't fathom the idea of sacrificing myself to capitalism until today. I want to grow faster and I let my fantasy lead me.

Now I have 2 months left and the desire to end it early is soooo strong.

I am appalled and amazed how I made this far. How I still manage to travel and upgrade gadget. But I know it cost other important stuff that I supposed to have.

It feels like I joined a challenge to submerge my head in the water and hold my breath for 96 months, messed up a little and you have to extend another month. I made sure it didn't happen.

I kept this for too long and I write it here now because my soul is wriggling and I feel like I can go crazy in any second because I'm 35 and I keep burn out from work, and The Lotus Eater Syndrome is back.