I think I have not treated myself very well for the past few weeks, my body trembles often and I get migraine easily during the hot weather. I'm still battling with my PTSD everyday and tonight I cried because I lost to my anxiety again.
I haven't touch my drawing for 3 days because of my migraine even though I had enough sleep and I keep reminding not to beat myself up.
I hope tomorrow I can fight again and start drawing.
Friday, 26 October 2018
Every Night
Every night I found myself find a time to embrace this longing feeling. I no longer feel awful whenever I miss you, I feel like it lives in me and I can get used to this feeling. Every night.
Saturday, 20 October 2018
The Fundamentals of Caring
Why do we have the thought of being doomed by our fate?
We spend our lives wanting the feel accepted. Everyday we beg for society's acceptation, one of it is by taking care of the people we love.
And we thought that would make us feel better.
But are we happy eventually?
Time and energy invested trying to love people but ourselves. We forgot to keep our lives organize, for our day to productively used and keep in touch with good people who talks about good things.
Befriend for benefit. Love to survive. And that is perfectly fine.
If we failed to bake the cake we can always turn it into pudding. It's still dessert we can serve to complete our meal.
If we fail in certain level, we can always turn it into a lesson.
But everything goes to here; appreciation, self care and love.
Because I cannot take care of another unless I first take care of myself.
We spend our lives wanting the feel accepted. Everyday we beg for society's acceptation, one of it is by taking care of the people we love.
And we thought that would make us feel better.
But are we happy eventually?
Time and energy invested trying to love people but ourselves. We forgot to keep our lives organize, for our day to productively used and keep in touch with good people who talks about good things.
Befriend for benefit. Love to survive. And that is perfectly fine.
If we failed to bake the cake we can always turn it into pudding. It's still dessert we can serve to complete our meal.
If we fail in certain level, we can always turn it into a lesson.
But everything goes to here; appreciation, self care and love.
Because I cannot take care of another unless I first take care of myself.
Tuesday, 16 October 2018
To all the people that care for me
To all the people that care about me. Words can't express how thankful I am for finding a time to be there for me. Despite the struggle you guys going through right now, you'd still squeeze 30 minutes free session for me to share how terrified I am with everything. How I'm just a small bean.
Yesterday was the first time I can finally finished my meal and had enough sleep. Contemplation gives me enough amount to know the difference between hope and being delusional. Late night stroll gives me enough energy the next day to know there's always a second, third, fourth chance to re-do and re-think your goal.
I stop listening to music too much so I can take a look at the real world and accept that it's okay that the reality is not okay.
People can't tolerate me and mistaken my fear and anxiety as an act of being immature and that my problems are petty are the people who aren't meant to be in my world or part of my story and that's okay.
It's okay.
I know now that I always have to put more effort to write down instead of let it cross and pass from my mind. Writing all the things you achieved and thankful for. So that in the future you'll know how to not lose to yourself.
Yesterday was the first time I can finally finished my meal and had enough sleep. Contemplation gives me enough amount to know the difference between hope and being delusional. Late night stroll gives me enough energy the next day to know there's always a second, third, fourth chance to re-do and re-think your goal.
I stop listening to music too much so I can take a look at the real world and accept that it's okay that the reality is not okay.
People can't tolerate me and mistaken my fear and anxiety as an act of being immature and that my problems are petty are the people who aren't meant to be in my world or part of my story and that's okay.
It's okay.
I know now that I always have to put more effort to write down instead of let it cross and pass from my mind. Writing all the things you achieved and thankful for. So that in the future you'll know how to not lose to yourself.
Monday, 8 October 2018
Catching Regrets
The silence stings my heart
I found myself woke up in weird hour gasping for breath,
I got up and wonder
turned around to ask
'why are you so quiet?'
And before I could finish the word
it was just an empty wall staring back at me
Catching these regrets to heal my wound
So that I learn my lesson for real this time
Try to swallow the fact that I deserve forgiveness,
I should love myself more
So that I could take care of you
at the same I won't feel the lack of love in me.
Catching these regrets to heal my wound
So that I learn my lesson for real this time
To not keep everything in my heart
and say it out loud before it's too late
To treat people around me nice
and don't be too afraid to smile
I'm catching all my regrets to heal this wound
So that I learn my lesson for real this time
If I could turn back the time I would
Because there's no one out there like you
I found myself woke up in weird hour gasping for breath,
I got up and wonder
turned around to ask
'why are you so quiet?'
And before I could finish the word
it was just an empty wall staring back at me
Catching these regrets to heal my wound
So that I learn my lesson for real this time
Try to swallow the fact that I deserve forgiveness,
I should love myself more
So that I could take care of you
at the same I won't feel the lack of love in me.
Catching these regrets to heal my wound
So that I learn my lesson for real this time
To not keep everything in my heart
and say it out loud before it's too late
To treat people around me nice
and don't be too afraid to smile
I'm catching all my regrets to heal this wound
So that I learn my lesson for real this time
If I could turn back the time I would
Because there's no one out there like you
Sunday, 7 October 2018
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