So I chat with Darrel yesterday, sort of rant instead. I don't know why I know alot of people and quite close to them but I felt better ranting someone thousand miles away.
I told him about how I don't feel anything when someone acknowledge my achievement or praise my talent and skills. I explain the fear I have if I fail because despite how I surrounded with people I get scared working with them because I can't bear failure and disappointments. Often I runaway and disappear from the circle. Not gonna lie I had panic attack when I went to gigs now.
Then he remind me of the first time I went to gig to watch his band perform and also practice and he can tell that I am passionate about it and I will not let anyone down if I do my best and always be humble and accept my mistakes if I ever made.
he shared me this quote : courage is GRACE under PRESSURE - Ernest Hemingway and also told me we'll will only find peace once our hormones stabilize in our body or when we find a way to cope with our hormonal changes.
Because your hormones make you stress, horny, angry, anxious etc. If you are not peaceful, your brain will start panicking as something's wrong but it doesn't know what, like danger warning to your body, it will release hormones accordingly. So the doctors usually advice their patients to get plenty of exercise to get the endorphins(feel good hormones like dopamine (happy), serotonin (lively) and oxytocin (love)) pumping in your blood. Best alternative is weed since it replicates the same effects such as endorphins to produce bliss.
I actually did have that peace 2 months ago because I exercise everyday and eat healthy food. I guess I have to go back to that habit maybe just healthy food because I dont have the time for gym.
I guess it's best to start from now; I should accept people's compliments and at the same persuade them to give honest thoughts and review about me and my work.
I'm honoured to work with people and happy that they saw and acknowledge my achievements and I will not back down or slow things down. Time is short honestly there's no time to doubt about yourself and always know how to handle dramas and gossips and try not to participate like goddamn Mira stay neutral and shield that feeling of fear standing next to toxic people. You can't shut them off, you have be strong and face them and at the same time maintain the positivity.