I'm an empty can, throw me to the ground, I'll make the loudest sound.

Okay, where do I begin?  First of all, I have no direction when I type. This is just going nowhere. This is basically what's on my mind. The saddest part that, I thought at this age I'd feel calmer.

I don't remember who told me that my thoughts are everywhere, scattered and unorganized.
But my concern is that my thoughts are mostly meaningless. Whenever people make conversation with me, I tend to listen more than giving them feedback because I'm a goddam nincompoop.

I'm a lisztomaniac, I need to have a good music to keep myself alive. And it's very addictive, sometimes I spend one or two hours repeating the same song and not do anything. I think it's getting worst because... I have tons of things I should do actually. 

I guess that's what happen when you found something to make you feel like you're escaped from the reality. You just want to float and forget all the things that's going on in your life.

cliché.

So let me track down to what got me to start typing this again.
I woke up at 9am, went outside to buy cigarettes, I swear to god I should buy one carton per month, atleast I can know how much I can smoke. Then I went to have some hot teh tarik at chinese shop, and since I left my phone charging at home I thought I can just drink it fast and go back. But turns out the tea is searing hot and I had to sit like an idiot with no phone to kill the time while waiting for my tea to get warm.

So from there, I get to observe people, adults and kids just got back from tuition and had their delicious brunch with their friends. Why didn't I have that when I was in high school? I could've, except that I was so negative, not with them, but with myself.

Myself esteem back then was -11. I hated myself so much, I hate how dark my skin is, and how traditional my family background is and how I can't have other better conversation besides politics, religions and hating americans. It's a melei thing and I had to face that ever since I was young.

That's when I realized and made a promise to myself; that I don't want to be what these people taught me to. I don't want to believe any words that came out of the mouth of people who follows the religion because they're so afraid of what's gonna happen at the other side.

See how this is getting nowhere? But but, I wanna see for myself if this is related.

Guys, I don't think I was meant to be in any art scene. Because up until now, I don't know jackshit about art rather than expressing my emotional in it. But but, everything went half assed, because of my anxiety. You know what art is, you're just too afraid to move, Mira. Mo-fucking-ve

I hear voices whenever I wanna do something productive, mostly questioning about my ability to project my energy to do things I wanna do. And I hate that.

You wanna know how, I actually sat here typing since 1pm and now it's already 4:18pm and all I do is typing mumbo jumbo. I am trying to focus and I failed, again and again, I think this is what makes me suicidal, my anxiety kills my time. 

You guys need to understand that love is an illusion that you think it actually illuminates your life. You need to know, that before you reach to 'love' you have to defeat and control your possession and obsession thoughts. Yeah yeah, they have levels, bitch. <<< btw this is what I've been thinking since last year but I just don't know who to talk because i don't want to offend people. 


Despite how this long ass content has lead to nowhere, I want to take this opportunity to celebrate my achievement of staying alive despite the amount of suicidal attempt I made before I reached 25. I am so glad that I faced my fears, but it's time to move on, celebration is over.
Procrastination is a new name for suicidal and I gotta move.

I'll come back and rant here until I create a better content.

Goldfish Syndrome

I'm here to tell you that I am updating my sappy life on this blog with my new goddamn Mac.
Yes I got it for almost RM10k, people were shocked.

They said 'Why didn't you just get and iMac instead?'

Well, it's because laptop is like my smartphone, I get so anxious if I don't have it with me. And I get so stressed out with my old ASUS laptop because it's getting slower.

Yeah I could've just bought another high end laptop but I don't like browsing through specs and listen to people be like 'Oh get ASUS because its beddurrr, oh no MSI is the best, get Alienware...bitches love Alienware.'

And I have no intention to show off how rich I am because I seriously having panic attack right now because the debts that I have to pay eventually. But yeah, I know my game I set it up I just can't bear the word people shoot at me as if I made the wrong choice.

Hey guys.... this is Mira la...SHE ALWAYS MADE A WRONG CHOICE!

So why are you guys so surprise with what I do?

Okay okay, back to the main topic before I fall asleep.
So I have Goldfish Syndrome. Why I think I have though?

I get bored easily and I also get distracted so easily. When I make conversation I will try to insert as many things that I process on my mind. It goes like 'weh, nak lepak kat - WOOOO A HOTTIE WITH THE BODY'

And I think it gets worst whenever I met someone new and talks to much, I just can't process properly. Yeah, I am facing that issue with Luqman.

It sucks to have this as a habit because I'm having trouble finishing my work and it frustrate me so much.