It feels like coming out of water. Deep blue ocean of nowhere.
I have tons of guilt I couldn't share to anyone, not even here. But it keeps playing in my head.
I always cross off all of my achievements, all the fears that I face.
I thought I made it.
Until last weekend I looked at my skinny grandma, with 15 stitches on her leg.
That's when I realized I already lost.
All of my achievements are nothing.
All the promises I made to myself, for her. That was 5 years ago, and everytime I went back to her house, I brought nothing.
Being 26, I've never felt so ashamed with myself. Everyday I cried in the toilet during working hour.
I beg to God, to give me more time, so I can spend more time with her.
Because I know I can never repay all the sacrifices she made, all the money she spent for me. Mostly her time.
It's a wake up call.
I'm glad I no longer managing my friend's band, I no longer in a relationship. Right after I went back to Grandma's house, I no longer think those are the things I should commit right now. Out of sudden, they're no longer important in my life. And I know enough, they don't feel what I feel and I shouldn't talk more about it. Or connect with them. It's fine.
I'm trembling, everyday. When I woke up, on my way to work, after lunch and even now. But I have to be fast, at the same time, I hope God will give me enough time to spend with her.
It's all that matters now.