I woke up at 4:50am on Friday, wondering why the hell does this fluvoxamine not working and I spent hours staring at my computer screen. I play the music but I mute the sound.
I decided not to take another fluvoxamine and the half shameful of acidic pink pill.
Is like The Virginmarys' lyric I cannot sleep, I cannot cry. I've bottled it up for almost a week and all I fear is what I'll do if I cry.
I decided to go to work with this no - drug - filtering - my - nerve me. Hell, I can't think of buying bread for breakfast, I've spent my three days drinking water. And there we go, the exact 10:47am I felt like a big wave inside me is trying to penetrate my whole body. It is the first time I actually feel like I'm gonna die, and this is no suicidal thought shit.
I have no one to turn, hell my friends must have bigger problems than I do and I don't want them to see me like a total loser because here's the fact; I'm already a total fucking loser.
I feel many eyes are watching me for years everytime I have a phase. It got me so afraid to got out and be like a normal human being. I might step on a booby trap.
And through the working hours I realized something, the reason why I'm here in this place at such time with this phase. I knew I had to call my grandma. And I can only do that after my job ends.
I went out to the office at 07:15pm, I walk to my house as fast as I could just so I can cry myself out. I need help, I really need help, I really need help, I don't need friends to distract me from this phase, I need help, I need help, I need help.
I called my grandma for that. The only family that trust me, I know she won't be here in this world longer but she's the only family that trust me.
I feel many eyes are watching me for several years everytime I have a phase. It got me so afraid to got out and be like a normal human being. Because that night I realized those eyes are the past me.