Fucking Boring

You don't get that contentment when you're a working adult. I thought that was normal especially when you work in an agency. However, this breaks I'm having it suffocates me. I'm feeling restless.

I feel very unsatisfied with my achievement.

Being an executor for people so they can achieve and show their product is a great feeling. You have the responsibility, the power and get to take care of them, I like that. But I want to be my short term goal (which I've been doing for years) and barely have my own work. I think that kills me the most.

When I first work here I thought I could create more. But here I am with my task to execute the project. And now I kinda doubt with my ability to create.

I think, I just want to challenge myself, grab all the tasks and see if I can handle it. Not knowing I did that so I could busy, numbing/forgetting the pain. Too desperate to ignore I got addicted to it and forgot many things.

Now that I'm resting, it's crawling back to me.

First Flight

Have you ever been on a cloud nine? Have you ever experience that you are on pause, floating while looking down at your problems that slowly 'receding'?

Everyone has their own first flight experience and I thank to the universe it was good on my side.

I've always wanted to travel ever since I was young. I feel like despite the achievement of me popping out those little bubbles, I still live in a huge bubble and every year I find it's getting very difficult to break it. So having this opportunity feels like too good to be true; I checked my PTPTN status every few hours to make sure I'm not in the blacklist, even when I reached to the airport I still double check.

And when I got on the plane, I got the chance to sit next to the window and I waited for the plane to take off. Few minutes after the stewardess announced safety precautions rules and the crew has finished all the pre-flight preparations, the plane starts to accelerate and off from the ground. There I was, from own eyes watching the ground zoomed out, the road started to get smaller, cars figure started to look like moving ants and then all I see is sky.

I didn't know the feeling of 'now' until I watched the clouds. I didn't know my life has been always been about the past and the future that I'm missing the present. I was battling between sleeping and observing the shape of clouds; I saw a pony, I saw trees, I saw a hill that looked exactly like in Lion King movie where Rafiki hoisted Simba. The best one I saw so far was a shape of a wrecked UFO as if it crashed on a ground.

To make this quick, I landed safely and me and my boss/colleague/friend checked - in to our hotel and we had our first lunch at Philippines famous fast food chain 'Jollibee'. The spaghetti I ordered was a disappointment, the sauce tasted like the chili sauce we used for ramly burger, the cheeseburger Ze bought tasted very weird and my stomach tried to digest the sauce. But the chicken was good although it was small.

One thing I notice with Philippines, their securities are tight, they had police stand infront of Jollibee's door, even before we checked into hotel, there were security checked the car and there was a scanner we had to go through before we go in.

The traffic on Philippines were bad, for someone that has anxiety issue, I don't think I can cope the stress tolerating the drivers over there. They love to honk the car horn and  sometimes they just stop at the side road without giving signals. We only dare to cross when there were bunch of people do it.

Sunset at Philippines was mesmerizing, beautiful. It was the colour I had on my mind whenever I detached from the reality throughout the life I've lived. The area we went looked almost like Mexico's city, the tangled wire, posters on the wall, the architecture of every building.

Cheap good beer, but the Winston taste like paper

We didn't get to explore more food there as our schedule was tight. We get to try their beer and it was freaking cheap over there (RM4++), we talked with one of the Philippines team who were once PR for 1975. And we get to work closer with one of celebrity whom her mother was a legend in Philippines. And other people, they were excited to meet us, shaking our hands hard because we know it was just a short meeting.

Ze and I had a night stroll at the fun fair, we tried ice cream, avoiding kids selling flowers that we only get to smell the scent at cemetery, finding out people actually eat 1 day old chicken and mostly we saw people were so comfortable lying on the ground looking at the stars.

It was the first flight to the first country, and first time in my whole life I keep telling myself I can't wait to go back home and create things.